Thursday, July 30, 2009

My girl

Every summer, my parents take Anevay to Rochester for a week. Anevay gets excited about her trip months in advance, talking about 'her room', which overlooks a little stream in the backyard, and all the wonderful things she'll get to do with her Nana and Grampa. Mostly, she enjoys basking in their love.

Usually, being separated for a week gives me time to rest, reflect, and miss Anevay. I've never used one of these trips to take vacation, as I've always had to work. All of my vacation time was used for holidays with Anevay.

This year is different...

I don't have a job, and panic, which I'm usually able to keep at bay, is starting to set in. Or rather, it was up until two night ago, when I allowed myself a mini-breakdown. Since then, I've pushed myself into action like never before...

Of course, I've been actively looking for work, and have had freelance work that has pulled me through, but I finally put out an email appeal to friends and family. Network for me, I said, or send me emails full of supportive words. I'm in need, I told them. Friends have definitely networked, letting me know about job possibilities and setting me on course for some fabulous networking opportunities. I'm feeling more positive about my job search than ever- there is even a GREAT opportunity that I'll know about early next week. Keep your fingers crossed.

In the meanwhile, I've decided to have a loft sale on August 8th. I've needed to go through my things, but I'm going above and beyond that, putting it out there that even some of my favorite items need to go.

Amazingly, as soon as I put it out there that I needed job-search assistance, my panic started to ebb. I can only attribute this to the fact that I've finally learned the meaning of the old adage:

Pride goeth before the fall.

I think, perhaps, my pride was getting in the way of good things coming. It was pride that kept me from letting friends and family know how dire things had become. I had assumed the weight of the entire economic crisis, as though it was my fault I had ended up in my current position. What an ego I had, to imagine I fit into the equation in such a grand way! Now I realize that I am not in the least important to the powers that be- at least not in a way that they would give a shit if I floundered and fell... I needed to let go of this dumb pride. It was getting in the way of me figuring out how to fix my situation!

Now, feeling much better, I'm left with one thought: to make things happen. I need to come up with a lot of money, and fast. Staying in NY depends on this one immediate factor. And I need work. Now. Before Anevay returns from her ten-day trip up north. Fortunately, I've kept it together for my sweet girl- she has no understanding of what's going on- in fact, she things it is great fun to have had me all to herself this summer! We've been to the pool, and camping, for long walks, reading... It's other things that I have let slide- recently I haven't worked on any art, and it's been difficult to concentrate on my writing. I've needed to use every ounce of my energy for three things: being with Anevay; coming up with cash; finding a job. I'm lucky to have such amazing parents- this trip could not have come at a better time. Now I'll be able to throw every ounce of myself towards finding work! The downside to this is that I know I'll miss my girl terribly. This afternoon, after she leaves, I'm anticipating a long cry. But after I dry my eyes, I'll have plenty to keep me occupied! I owe it to my girl to give her a stable home- to find a good job- to continue loving her with everything I've got.

Last night I cuddled up with Anevay, and after she drifted to sleep, I stared at her- those tiny, perfect features, and I promised her with every ounce of my being that everything will be OK.

Thanks, all, for your support.

UPDATE: In two days I've already raised more than half of what I need!! This is AMAZING!! Thanks to all for your help, for buying my art, for sending me work... This is a tough life, but I can do it!

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