Lazy Thursday with my girl

Today was the first day of Anevay's spring recess... and it was a good one. I had told her that today would be a day for me to tie up loose ends (I had a couple of orders in my shop to get out, as well as a few other errands), and, true to form, my girl let me get my work done, and then we were free to roam the neighborhood (picture above is from Bedford Ave, here in the BK)!

When I had a job, Anevay's vacations were very difficult for me. I was forced to leave my girl with friends, and when I couldn't do that, I had to spend insane amounts on money to have other people watch her. It was heartbreaking. Not only did I detest my crappy job, but not being able to be with Anevay was very painful. I couldn't figure out how any of it was really worth it. When she was in school, I saw her for less than an hour in the morning, and then an hour and a half at night. And then Saturdays were taken up by grocery shopping, laundry, and other equally fun and exciting chores. Anevay suffered, she wanted me around, and I was so exhausted by my insane schedule that when Sunday finally rolled around, our one truly free day, I was too beat to want to do anything. Really, it was no way to live. Not for me. Not for us. But I was trapped. Writing a book (I woke up at 4:15 in the mornings to work on it), but still, trapped...

Until I was laid off.

Overnight, things were different. I didn't have to rush in the mornings. I could finally, for the first time, pick up my daughter from school. I can't tell you what that felt like, to be able to do that (without having the guilt for leaving early from a crap job, or skip out on classes before school, which is where I was before I worked said crap job).

Where am I left...

Well, I have no money, and have no idea if any of the things I'm working on will prove lucrative. But Christ, man, I get to be with my kid, right now, during her spring recess. And the way the economy is looking, I might get to be with her over the summer. And if I'm not living today, then when the hell am I living?

For the last few years at my job I wanted so badly to look on the bright side... Now I'm living on the bright side. Right now, as I sit next to my kid, watching the end of a crappy movie (too embarrassing to name, although she did redeem her bad pick by also picking out another Wong Kar-Wei movie for tomorrow), I feel lucky. If the economy hadn't tanked, I'd still be sitting at a desk in an office on Park Ave. where my CEO paid more a month for the rent of that office than he did for my yearly salary. Yikes. The thought gives me the shivers.

Hopefully this will be the year for small, grassroots businesses, and hopefully people will stand up to the standard of living that many of us became so accustomed to adhering to. Because I don't know, honestly, if I can go back to feeling so squalshed. I have too much, people. I'm too fucking talented and smart, the biggest thing I was lacking before was that I hadn't loved money above all else. I went to school for what I wanted to go to school for (although in hindsight I would have chosen a different program, in a different creative direction), and thought that to work hard meant one climbed that ridiculous 'ladder to the top' that I've been hearing about since bad 80's movies. But unfortunately, I learned the hard way that working hard wasn't enough. Maybe it will be now.

I'm not going to wait anxiously to find out. I'm going to enjoy this time I have with my kid, not matter what comes next. And so, here's our itinery for the next few days:

Friday: Going to the park with Anevay's bike and not leaving until she learns to ride it, once and for all (this has proven difficult). Have ice-cream. In the evening, either watch back-to-back Wong Kar-Wai movies or go gallery hopping with friends here in Williamburg, as all the galleries are open late (second Friday of every month...). My guess is that Anevay will want to stay in and watch the movies... Fine by me. Lastly, I expect we'll talk, hug, then go to sleep. I plan on writing tomorrow late into the night.

Saturday: Go to a friend's for brunch, then off to the Botanical Gardens to see all the flowers opening (I love, love, love flowering trees). Tomorrow night I'm going to work on a medium-sized convex canvas I just bought... Playing around with some ideas.

Sunday: Meet up with friends, have an Easter egg hunt, host a brunch (I make a mean strata)

Next week: Storm King, Dia:Beacon, Coney Island, all over the place... Point is, I'm able to do any of these things, with my kid, and I don't have to answer to a job that only gives me ten days off a year!

Bliss...

Six hours later, and Anevay's room is sorta kinda tidy...

One look at the dried snot all over my daughter's nose and hands this morning, and I decided it best to keep her germy, contagious little self home from school.

Once upon a time, when I worked a 40 hour work week and was allowed only 5 sick days a year, being sick wasn't a luxury Anevay and I could afford. I sent my kid to school with her nose dripping to her toes, with headaches, even the occasional fever. 'Cause that's what we do in this country. We persevere, right?

Wrong...

We live miserable lives in which our jobs dictate how much time we have to be sick, how much time we're allowed to take care of our babies, how much time, even, we have allotted to die.

Anyway, all of that ended for me as soon as I was laid off. Now, when Anevay has a cold, she stays where she belongs... with me, being cared for, being loved. I make sure she drinks her fluids, sleeps, washes her hands, and even takes walks outside in the fresh air- just about the best place for a person to be sick.

Today, however, no walks for us. Anevay's sick, but not that sick... I decided we were going to clean her room (I know, I know, cruel, huh?).

Six hours after we started, and we're *sort of* finished.

A little background concerning why this might have taken so long...

Again, this pertains directly to having been laid off back in September...

Right before being laid off my time didn't belong to me. I had my 40-hour per week job, forced myself to write for at least 15-20 hours a week, and both Anevay and I had active social lives. Yet taking care of Anevay and the loft we live in was easier than one might imagine. To get everything done that needed doing, I simply regimented our lives- for example- between 6 and 7 PM Anevay did her homework at the kitchen table while I cooked our dinner. Saturday mornings, between 9 and 11 AM, my sweet little girl cleaned her room while I did our laundry and cleaned the bathroom. And on and on and on...

Since being laid off, I have no schedule at all save taking Anevay to school and picking her up, and, amazingly, I can't seem to find a moment for cleaning, grocery shopping, even cooking.

Before you wag your finger at me, consider this... I've been working since I was 15 years old, and besides a three-month period right after Anevay was born, I have never had a sabbatical to work on myself, my projects, my anything. Besides the occasional week long vacation (would you believe that in my adult life I had never taken a vacation longer than a week before this past Christmas, when Anevay and I spent two weeks at my parents' place!), this is really the first respite I've had since I was a little girl.

I am taking back my life, damn it! I'm using every single second to do the things I want to be doing. I'm writing, working on my canvases, taking walks and reading with and talking with Anevay, and enjoying, at times, a latte at my favorite cafe (Oslo, on Bedford Ave here in Brooklyn). In fact, I'm busier now than when I was working a full-time job (and believe me, even then I was busier than most people!), and I work harder than many people I know (and I know a lot of hard workers).

But alas, many things have fallen through the cracks since I was laid off. Yesterday Anevay had her first bath in... well, let's just say many days (oh my God, was it really five days?!). And the state of her room? Hm. I think it had been a good two months since I poked my head in there. Occasionally, all the crap she kept inside her room would push the door ajar, but I just sighed, turned a blind eye, and used all the weight of my body to force it closed again (I've done the same thing to Anevay's closet door, but that's a can of worms that just isn't ready to be opened yet...).

Yep, her room needed to be sorted through, cleaned, decontaminated...

I'm so glad I don't have a 'before' picture, only an 'after' picture. I would have had child protection services after me if anyone had seen the previous state of Anevay's room.

Many hours and buckets of tears later (from both of us), the room is *sort of* clean. I have a pile of garbage by the door to take outside, two bags of old toys to bring to the park and the Salvation Army, and her electric piano to hook up (we had both forgotten it was even in her room, there was so much stuff was piled up around it!). And this was just from the downstairs of her room...

Yes, Anevay has a loft, which is very cute and treehouse-like when it is clean...

...and something straight out of a Grimm's tale when it is dirty.

But, being the amazing kid she is, Anevay single handedly picked up her loft and made her bed. It's not perfect, but I'm just happy it looks like a bed again.

Of course, I didn't look under her blanket to see what might be hiding out, but you know what? I don't have time for all of that...



So now that the room is (sort of) clean, what next? Well, heck... it's time for us to go work on some of the more important things in life....

I do believe I hear Oslo calling me and Anevay over for a latte and a hot chocolate.

Maybe I'll manage to take our garbage out on the way...

xo

Being and Nothingness

I'm not a huge Sartre fan, and yet he supplied me with one of my all-time favorite quotes:

"We are all condemned to freedom."

I modified it just a bit for this t-shirt I embroidered last night (go to my shop for pricing or feel free to contact me directly):


Great, huh? Seems particularly relevant these days, considering all of the ways I've worked to take back my life (interesting how much easier it is to take control of one's life after it is spun wildly off kilter) .

Love this old shot of Anevay as an infant sitting with Sartre's Being and Nothingness...